Prayer of A Doubting Thomas

Prayer of A Doubting Thomas

 

My Lord and my God!

Forgive me if I doubted,

The pains and tears brought by your cross

Are so much that they blinded me

And the realization that it was my sins that brought you death

Filled me with so much loathing of myself,

that I wanted to be alone,

I wanted to be far off,

so as not to be a stumbling block to our friends and thus bring further pain.

And so I was not there

When you appeared before them

And assured them peace.

You see, when they told me,

That You, Lord, rose again,

I was overjoyed by the thought,

I can only dream of that moment

When your mere presence

Calmed all their fears

And confirmed in their heart

That you truly conquered  everything.

But what if everything they saw was a dream?

A mere hallucination of people buried in grief,

A mere illusion to survive the fear that consumes them.

I wanted more than anything to believe

That you truly rose again!

And thus, I feared more than anything

that all of it was not true,

And so Lord forgive me,

If I have wanted to touch those nailmarks,

If I have wanted to feel your heart beating once again even if it was pierced,

For it is the only way to wake up

to the realization

that love truly conquers all

and to have that faith

That does not fear anything

A conviction that calls into action.

Forgive us Lord,

For we are all doubters

And when you appeared once again,

When I’m with them

We are still cowering behind locked doors

Fearful that our sins and enemies

May claim our lives once again.

Doubt is a cycle and contagious

And so help us Lord

To be strong in faith

For one another.

May we find You

In the faith of our friends.

And so there You are

You give us your peace

And your Spirit

Even though our hearts

Like those doors

Are locked

You entered

In the glory of your risen body

And filled us

With the power and joy

Of your resurrection

Despite our doubts

Our fears

Our cowardice

Our weaknesses

Our sins.

And You approached me

Chiding me like a child for my unbelief

And you allowed me to touch those nailmarks

And to feel that heart

Beating once again

Alive once again

Out of love for me

And nothing

Not even death

Can now separate us.

As I kissed your feet,

I realized that I cannot fully understand

The meaning of everything

But that does not mean

That I cannot believe

I do believe Lord

Supply my unbelief

And in my heart I instantly knew

And so I exclaimed

My Lord and my God!

I wanted to believe

Despite my doubts Lord God

And there will be times

I know, that I will still doubt,

Not because I did not see you

But because of my sins

Because of my flaws

Because of my falls

Because of my self.

And so this is my prayer,

Everytime I grow less sure of myself,

May I grow more sure of you!

Jesus, I trust in you!

And when I doubt Lord God,

Grant that I may doubt the world is round,

That I may doubt that the sun is fire,

That I may doubt that truth be a liar,

But never may I doubt,

That You Love!

Blessed are those who doubt,

For by their doubt,

They seek the truth

And they are found by it.

Blessed are those

Who despite their doubts,

Move on through it

And chooses to believe

Finding our Lord and our God

Alive in them. Amen.

I believe in love

I believe in love.

Because I believe in God

Whose very identity and nature

Is nothing but love

He has created me with a love so pure

And sustains me with a love so strong

That neither death, nor life,

Nor the past, present, and future

Nor any height and depth

Nor anything else in creation

Can ever separate me from this love (Rom 8:38).

Love is my sole destiny.

A love so happy,

That it is worth to fight for it

And to wait for it

Even though it hurts

Yes –even though it hurts so much

For I know

That its capacity to hurt

Creates an abyss so deep

That enlarges my heart

Only to be filled with joy

To the brim

When the right time comes.

Yes! For love can eventually conquer all

When that perfect time comes

If I choose to love

Day by day

A process that

Purifies me

With a fire that burns all my flaws

Transforms me with a pruning to make me grow

And perfects me

Showing me who I really am and what I am truly capable of.

Love is the only thing that can make me whole

Even though my heart is broken

Again and again

For it is the only way

To shed my old self

And bring in

A wonderful being reborn.

I will strive to know love

For in knowing love

Comes understanding

Forgiveness

Acceptance

Things that can make love

Last

And true

Despite weaknesses

And imperfections.

Love is real

For those who have been hurt

For those who wait

For those who sincerely seek

For those who hope against hope

For those who take risks

For those who are brave enough to fall

For those who keep faith

For those who fully forgive

For those who look forward

And move on

For those who give their all

For those who hold on

For those who reconcile

For those who pray

And lastly,

For those who stay.

God is love

And he who stays in love

Stays in God

And God

Stays in him (1 Jn 4:16).

I believe in God.

I believe in love.

I believe in forever.12695227_10207588539687755_532025490_o

A Lesson on Letting Go: The Sacrifice of Abraham

 

Yahweh-yireh: On the mountain the Lord himself will see to it

 

Sometime after these events, God put Abraham to the test. He called to him, “Abraham!” “Ready!” he replied.

Gen 22:1

Who among us has the total abandon and trust that Abraham has for God? When God, the Almighty Creator, called upon your name, considering that you cannot know what awaits for you, that He has all power over you and what you have, that He has the right to demand anything from you, how can you answer the call immediately with the word “Ready”?

“Take your son Isaac, your only one, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah. There you shall offer him up as a holocaust on a height that I will point out to you.”

Gen 22:2

Isaac can be a symbol of anything or anyone in our lives. What or who is it that you can consider as Isaac, your only one, whom you love,” in your life? Then comes the more scary realization that Isaac is indeed God’s greatest blessing in your life, that “he” came from God and God has all the right to it. Ultimately comes the realization of the greatest fear of your life, that God will take “him” away from you, you need to offer and sacrifice “him” to God. Who among us is certain that he can let go and let God?

Even though we know that Isaac is just a gift that we never really had in the first place, we have learned to love that most precious one with everything that we are and Isaac is the only assurance of a happy future in this world full of pain and suffering. God has promised to Abraham that he will be a “Father of Nations” and that promise can only be fulfilled through Isaac. Now, does God go back on his promises? Does God revoke His gifts?

What Abraham did was truly incredible. He has proven something to the Almighty Creator. He has shown that it can be done. That one can totally abandon everything that he has to God. Now, God can never be surpassed by a man. Because He is God, He needs to show that He can, not only that, but also that He can do it better, in a way that no man can surpass. God, on His part, has given and will continue to give to man, His most precious one, His Beloved, His Only Begotten Son, Jesus, who in fact surpasses Abraham’s sacrifice in all ways since Jesus, is not just a Son, but God’s very self, God Himself, who because of love surrendered Himself to being human, to the whole of humanity and continues to abandon Himself to the mystery of human freedom and choice to love Him back.

“What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him?”

Rom 9:32

Indeed, what can we say to this? What can God not give us? In the end, we need to realize that Isaac is just a gift, a foretaste of whatever is promised to us, an anticipation of God’s plan. In the final analysis, it is still God who will fulfill the promise, not us, we just need to surrender and trust. And unless we gave Him our Isaac, unless we let go of Isaac to God, we will not be able to see where God’s love will truly bring us, to the fulfillment that surpasses that deepest desire of our hearts and the wildest imagination of our minds.

“I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you acted as you did in not withholding from me your beloved son, I will bless you abundantly and make your descendants as countless as the stars of the sky and the sands of the seashore; your descendants shall take possession of the gates of their enemies, and in your descendants, all the nations of earth shall find blessing –all these because you have obeyed my command.”

Gen 22:16-18

We are the heirs of God’s promises to Abraham and God still and will fulfill His part as long as we are ready like Abraham to offer our Isaac to Him and to surrender to His love. He has given, and still gives us His beloved Son, Jesus and all that He asks is that we listen to Him and abandon ourselves to Him. We must let go and let God because God has let go and let man. And as nothing can ever separate us from His love, let us surrender to His embrace.